"If you had a convenience store then I would live with you."
Garzey’s Wing is a Japanese anime, which was a flop on its original release in 1996 but has subsequently gone on to achieve a measure of cult notoriety. The series (technically it’s an OVA) was written and directed by Yoshiyuki Tomino (the creator of Gundam). The plot revolves around a half Japanese half Caucasian teenager called Chris is taken to another world and told he is a holy warrior.
The point about Garzey’s Wing is that it is, in my opinion, the absolute worst anime series ever made.
The animation in Garzey’s Wing is fine, as is the music. The plot, though sometimes a bit rushed, is no worse than a lot of other similar anime OVAs. I have never managed to watch it all the way through to the end, so I couldn’t tell you about the awesomeness of the final showdown. What raises this series above all others is the sublime beauty of its terrible dialogue. To be kind to Yoshiyuki Tomino, it is likely that something is lost in the English translation. But even this can’t explain sections like this:
Chris lands in an alien world, naked, for no reason. He has been taken there by a invisible giant duck (this is never explained). There are dinosaurs. Chris is always asks the questions we want the answers to.
Chris: What!? What is going on!?
Everyone is startled by Chris’ sudden arrival.
Leelince: Kieeeee!
Chifchi: Kuuuu!
Domon: Waaaa!
Leelince: Tuaaaaa!
Ashigaba army A: Waaaaa!
Ashigaba army B: Higeeeee!
I have added the directions in italics. The non-italics are taken from the script which was bundled with my DVD version of Garzey’s Wing. Clearly they thought it was worth preserving. Exposition is handled with a deft and subtle touch; making skillful use of nonsense and non-sequitors:
It is the evil despot’s palace. We know he is evil because he has a beard and drinks wine badly. A camp looking knight rides up to the palace, even though he is told specifically by the guard that he is not allowed to bring horses in. He is obviously a maverick. He jumps off his horse and kneels before the king. His horse dies unexpectedly and without explanation.
King Fungun: Oh! You came back Zagizoa!
Zagizoa (for it is he): Please forgive my rudeness I’ve been troubled by this incident.
Which incident is he talking about? We will never know.
King Fungun: How come you have returned from your war with the savage western tribe?
Zagizoa: It’s a leap year.
There was a period when all my brother and I used to say to each other were lines quoting this show. But the real magic comes from the fact that this woeful misuse of the English language is then read verbatim by its dub voice-over actors.
Whoever directed the voice cast was able to ring great subtlety from their performances; their bold decision to use no emotion other than apathy to deliver lines that they clearly don’t understand, pays off immeasurably. Never have characters appeared to be in so much trouble or pain and yet sounded so much like they were bored. Nowhere is this more painfully funny than in the first 5 minutes of the show, which serves as a perfect showcase of the the flat delivery and the unexplained plot elements. We learn in the first few minutes that Chris has failed his exams twice (he is clearly a maverick), is obsessed with attending the class reunion pool party (this will become a recurring theme) and that his girlfriend is aggressive, and emphasises the wrong words in sentences. I have uploaded a clip of it here. Pay particularly close attention to the discreet use of subtitles to help English viewers understand what a shrine looks like.
Garzey’s Wing offers comfort to all writers, film-makers, story-tellers, actors and artists. You couldn’t possibly be as bad as this is.
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